Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Costumed cleaning and an indecent proposal

So as a few of you may know I have been having work-related issues for some time now. You know, three jobs, 15-hour-days, that old chestnut. I'm not sure why, I like being busy, I like doing different things, if I'm not at work I'll just sleep all day which sounds awesome but people tend to frown upon the hibernation behaviour. Anyway, more recently I have been looking for different work as I currently work seven days and the side effects of this have not been pretty.

So of course, I start on Gumtree. I sign up for an account, browse through a bunch of jobs I hate the thought of and call three of them. Then I email 47 others and am called relentlessly by the four that I had picked accidently by double-clicking the wrong tab while xtube was up. Multi-tasking is a bitch.
I decide to put up my own advertisement about being an awesome bar-manager but all I can see is all these 'cleaners wanted' and thinking for a moment about how much I actually do enjoy cleaning. The satisfaction I get from wiping down tables at work and rearranging the salt and pepper from left to right, the immense joy I get from vacuuming, washing and waxing a car so quickly the other car-wash users get suspicious and the calming effect of bleaching glassware until it looks new.

Maybe it's cos the mess of my real life will never be cleaned up but bi-carb soda will solve every other problem known to man. I don't want to look too far into it, anyway I thought I'd harness this skill, and get paid for it, so I put up an ad. Not two hours later I received a response. Not what I'd hoped but at least it's gaining some attention. I will keep this note updated regarding my career in cleaning but for now, here's the correspondence:

(Gumtree advertisement)

My name is Rhiannon and I work full-time as a bar/hotel manager and have just realised my penchant for cleanliness-along with my desire to make a little extra money! I have had many years experience cleaning hotels and bars (and my own house of course) and I can ensure a quick, affordable and honest service.

  • Dishes
  • Washing and Ironing
  • Floors
  • Gardening
  • Cleaning
  • Maintenence and repair
  • Errands
  • Pet-grooming
  • If you can mess it up, I can clean it!

There is no job too big or too small, and, because of my casual work arrangements, timing is not an issue either, whether you work 9-5pm or evening shift work, or even just have a cleaning emergency I can work around you. I provide all my own equipment and wont even name a price until we've negotiated our terms together. No hassle, no fuss, and you can use your time to do the things you actually enjoy doing!

Just reply to my email ( rpmason87@gmail.com ) or call 0406697419 for references and police check.


Lame I know, but I did get some genuine replies, this gem in my Gmail inbox being my favourite:

Roger Yahnowouris to me Sep 23 (1 day ago)

can you do cleaning in costume ?
And my response after some consideration:

Dear Mr Yahnowouris,

Someone's excited about Halloween! And to be honest Roger, can I call you Roger? So am I!
Of course I can do cleaning in costume. Unfortunately this does come at an extra cost but to get into the Halloween spirit it will be worth every cent.
I understand the need to really immerse yourself in the festivities at this time of year, so I've put together a few options for you to choose from at your leisure.

Option 1

This may make doing certain chores a little difficult such as hanging washing and doing dishes, I would be a little wary about putting the gun down as I may fall out of character or seem less 'realistic' and quite frankly that would just be embarrassing.

Option 2

Unfortunately I couldn't find the promotional shot I generally use for advertising but I'm sure you'll get the gist when you see how scary my brother looks wearing this Wolverine outfit! Don't be scared Wolverine's on our side, but germs look out when I am mopping floors in this bad ass costume!

Option 3

If perhaps you were looking for something more 'hip' and modern, then I think you'll like my lady Gaga inspired meat-dress, not to be confused with the picture I have provided of The Fame Monster herself, my replica has it's own individual style. With layers of minced meat and real Australian pork sausages this one-piece is definitely a stand-out outfit. Although it does make cleaning duties a little tricky and at times can do more harm then good if changing bed-sheets and wiping benches, it also provides all necessary meats for a great BBQ after the cleaning is done!

N.B. -Clients who have pets are not eligible to select this option due to OH&S hazards. Furthermore, without a tall, secure and closed-off front fence, no gardening duties can be performed as rabid dogs and Lady Gaga critics alike may compromise my safety.

I have plenty more options available for selection as we get closer to Halloween! The average costing for costumed-cleaning are the base price of $25 an hour + $35 an hour(costume charge) + $350 deposit = $410 + 10% GST. Because I am someone who advertises to clean houses on Gumtree, I am unable to do simple math, so if you can look at the figures and add it up, I'm sure you'll see it's a very reasonable price for the service provided.

Thank you for your swift response to my ad and please let me know if you have any further queries,



1 comment:

  1. Oh god he's such a sex pest! He's contacting me at the moment gem Gumtree asking if I'm 'open minded' etc..