Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Anti-social musings.

youtube comment under "I need a hero- Bonnie tyler" video

3 weeks ago 47
ive been training since 1973 i do situps every day and practice firing high calibre rifles and i live in the wilderness. one day when bonnie tyler's need is most dire i will become her hero

Oh, oh, oh! In adding the above link I realised the preview to the next related video was a little odd.
And here, you'll see why. It's good, but those aren't spirit fingers! 


As any member of the hospitality industry will understand, all the bullshit, the pressure, low wages and bad hours is made worthwhile by both direct and over-heard stupidity. These are a collection of my favourite 'I just caught the end of that' sentences over-heard serving tables or just walking down Brunswick st.

"I would love to get a Pug dog but I've heard they're expensive and at a certain age their eyes fall out..."

Actually found out this is true-

Pugs are prone to eye injury.
Many Pugs suffer disorders of the eye and require daily medication. Pugs should not be walked in tall grass or bushes because these will scratch the eyes. Other web sites go into great detail about eye problems, of which there are many. Only a little skin covers the eyeball, and they have no bony ridges to protect them and hold them in. Eyes can fall out of the socket and need surgery to be saved.
However, it's not like "Happy 5th birthday Rex oh dear God!" It's more of an injury thing. So discuss that over your next Parma!
Remember I hear this while putting down cutlery. And if I don't have the food then I'm 'nothinged' so privy to a lot of random shit.

"Yeah life sucked until my leg grew back..."

 "Can I have a Chai latte without the Chai?"
So you just want milk sprinkled with cinnamon and my spittle? Sure thing. Soy milk?
"I hate waking up in the wrong era."
"I know how it feels to be stressed, I get it, my house was robbed once and they took my gun. I'm still mad about. they're lucky they took it. Bastards."
"I bet you she'd have nipples like twisties...Without the flavour. Or texture. Or colour. Just the... twist."
"I already told you I was at Corrine's house"
"Yes, I know what you say you said but it wasn't on Facebook was it? So how am I supposed to believe you?"
"Woah, lesbians get their period?"

"Oh looking up your family tree is awesome! I dropped out of my course and was screwed so I thought I'd try and find family royalty or a famous cousin y'know? Turns out a few of my grand-whatevers had very similar last-names."
"How similar? What do you mean?"
"Basically...the exact same..."

I can taste the cow you know?
"Did some one order a skinny 3/4 latte over here?"
"Is that a skinny 3/4 latte?"
"Yes it is, here you go"
"Is it? 3/4? Skinny?"
"Is that what wanted?"
"Yes. and I'll know if it's any different!"
"We're not trying to trick you Miss I'm sure this is skinny milk like you had asked."
"I'll find out, y'know."
"Sorry? Do you want me to triple check for you? I'm happy to."
"I can taste the dairy in the full cream milk, so I'll know if it's wrong."
"...Did you say soy or skinny?"
"Skinny. I don't want soy. I want skinny. I hate the taste of dairy."
"...Um...You know skinny milk is still classed as dairy right?"
"I know that I can just tell when it's come from the cow!"
"...Are you sure you don't mean soy milk? Like the bean?"
"No! I hate soy milk, I just want skinny."
"Okay, okay I promise this is skinny but I will check again."
"I can check, I know the difference between full-cream and skinny, I can tell if it's from the cow."
"...You know skinny is still from the cow right..?"
"I'm not stupid I know this."
"I was not implying that Miss, I just wanted you to know skinny is dairy. It's from a cow. Just a cow that's fed less."
"Can you just check if it's skinny now??"
"Oh no it definately is I don't even have to ask."
"Ok, but I'll be throwing a tantrum if it's not! thanks anyway."
"Oh I bet. That's fine. Thank you."

"Helen, was that skinny milk? Because I'm so fucking confused."
"How come?"
"That woman had so little brain cells, I think through osmosis she stole mine..."
"Oh ok, well none of the milk here is skinny."
"Yeah, we just mix 'em up however."
No tantrum ensued.
Apparently she cannot taste the dairy, but she did steal 4 minutes of my life so no one's a winner there. Except maybe Helen.

Lie to me.
"Is your coffee any good?"
"I'm not going to lie to you sir I've never had a cup of coffee in my life but I've heard good things here."
"Is it any good?"
"...There are people that come in every day. More than once. Just for coffee."
"Yes, but is it any good?"
"I feel that if I say yes and it's not you're going to hold me personably responsible."
"That's possible."
"...I wouldn't say it's the best on the street."
"Fine. I'll have a long black."

"Ellen degeneres seems like a really nice guy."

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