Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Why your favourite singer leaving your favourite band is so much worse than my father's sudden death.

(5 hour drive with someone who has known you too well for too long.)

Tess: "Geri Halliwell leaving the spice girls is the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
Rhiannon: "It's the worst thing that's happened to anyone. The entire world."
T: "I knew you'd understand. It's the kind of empathy only those who have lost a loved one can give."
R: "Yeah man, it really hit you hard."
T: "It cuts me real deep. I imagine it's how you feel when you lost your Dad."
R: "...No...It's worse."
T: "No, no I don't want to compare losses...But it's kind of worse."
R: "No it's much worse. My Dad died, and he's gone now so it's like, the end. But Geri, she released three more albums once she left. Still hovering around but not like it was."
T: "It will never be the same again! Oops I quoted Mel C is that inappropriate?"
R: "No I think it's fitting really."
T: "Sometimes I'm like 'Geri, you bitch!' then I feel horrible but I was just so angry. It's grief man, it's a wild ride."
R: "I think you've dealt with it really well."
T: "But sometimes I feel bad for going on and living, like I feel guilty for smiling and having fun when I shouldn't."
R: "Have you spoken to, uh, anyone about this? Someone... Qualified?"
T: "No do you think I should?"
R: "It's on the cards..."

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Anti-social musings.

youtube comment under "I need a hero- Bonnie tyler" video

3 weeks ago 47
ive been training since 1973 i do situps every day and practice firing high calibre rifles and i live in the wilderness. one day when bonnie tyler's need is most dire i will become her hero

Oh, oh, oh! In adding the above link I realised the preview to the next related video was a little odd.
And here, you'll see why. It's good, but those aren't spirit fingers!

As any member of the hospitality industry will understand, all the bullshit, the pressure, low wages and bad hours is made worthwhile by both direct and over-heard stupidity. These are a collection of my favourite 'I just caught the end of that' sentences over-heard serving tables or just walking down Brunswick st.

"I would love to get a Pug dog but I've heard they're expensive and at a certain age their eyes fall out..."

Actually found out this is true-

Pugs are prone to eye injury.
Many Pugs suffer disorders of the eye and require daily medication. Pugs should not be walked in tall grass or bushes because these will scratch the eyes. Other web sites go into great detail about eye problems, of which there are many. Only a little skin covers the eyeball, and they have no bony ridges to protect them and hold them in. Eyes can fall out of the socket and need surgery to be saved.
However, it's not like "Happy 5th birthday Rex oh dear God!" It's more of an injury thing. So discuss that over your next Parma!
Remember I hear this while putting down cutlery. And if I don't have the food then I'm 'nothinged' so privy to a lot of random shit.

"Yeah life sucked until my leg grew back..."

 "Can I have a Chai latte without the Chai?"
So you just want milk sprinkled with cinnamon and my spittle? Sure thing. Soy milk?
"I hate waking up in the wrong era."
"I know how it feels to be stressed, I get it, my house was robbed once and they took my gun. I'm still mad about. they're lucky they took it. Bastards."
"I bet you she'd have nipples like twisties...Without the flavour. Or texture. Or colour. Just the... twist."
"I already told you I was at Corrine's house"
"Yes, I know what you say you said but it wasn't on Facebook was it? So how am I supposed to believe you?"
"Woah, lesbians get their period?"

"Oh looking up your family tree is awesome! I dropped out of my course and was screwed so I thought I'd try and find family royalty or a famous cousin y'know? Turns out a few of my grand-whatevers had very similar last-names."
"How similar? What do you mean?"
"Basically...the exact same..."

I can taste the cow you know?
"Did some one order a skinny 3/4 latte over here?"
"Is that a skinny 3/4 latte?"
"Yes it is, here you go"
"Is it? 3/4? Skinny?"
"Is that what wanted?"
"Yes. and I'll know if it's any different!"
"We're not trying to trick you Miss I'm sure this is skinny milk like you had asked."
"I'll find out, y'know."
"Sorry? Do you want me to triple check for you? I'm happy to."
"I can taste the dairy in the full cream milk, so I'll know if it's wrong."
"...Did you say soy or skinny?"
"Skinny. I don't want soy. I want skinny. I hate the taste of dairy."
"...Um...You know skinny milk is still classed as dairy right?"
"I know that I can just tell when it's come from the cow!"
"...Are you sure you don't mean soy milk? Like the bean?"
"No! I hate soy milk, I just want skinny."
"Okay, okay I promise this is skinny but I will check again."
"I can check, I know the difference between full-cream and skinny, I can tell if it's from the cow."
"...You know skinny is still from the cow right..?"
"I'm not stupid I know this."
"I was not implying that Miss, I just wanted you to know skinny is dairy. It's from a cow. Just a cow that's fed less."
"Can you just check if it's skinny now??"
"Oh no it definately is I don't even have to ask."
"Ok, but I'll be throwing a tantrum if it's not! thanks anyway."
"Oh I bet. That's fine. Thank you."

"Helen, was that skinny milk? Because I'm so fucking confused."
"How come?"
"That woman had so little brain cells, I think through osmosis she stole mine..."
"Oh ok, well none of the milk here is skinny."
"Yeah, we just mix 'em up however."
No tantrum ensued.
Apparently she cannot taste the dairy, but she did steal 4 minutes of my life so no one's a winner there. Except maybe Helen.

Lie to me.
"Is your coffee any good?"
"I'm not going to lie to you sir I've never had a cup of coffee in my life but I've heard good things here."
"Is it any good?"
"...There are people that come in every day. More than once. Just for coffee."
"Yes, but is it any good?"
"I feel that if I say yes and it's not you're going to hold me personably responsible."
"That's possible."
"...I wouldn't say it's the best on the street."
"Fine. I'll have a long black."

"Ellen degeneres seems like a really nice guy."

The return of Roger

Roger Yahnowouris

can you do cleaning in costume ?
Sep 23 (5 days ago)

Rhiannon Mason

Dear Mr Yahnowouris, Someone's excited about Halloween! And to be honest Roge...
Sep 24 (4 days ago)


Roger Yahnowouris
 to me
show details Sep 24 (4 days ago)


most def you can call me Roger...even though its not my real name !but what I really meant is to do cleaning in skimpy leengary !...haha...but mebbe you are taking the piss anyway but if you do not want costume....even no costume would be good, like nudded up...very free and liberatinghahahahamuch funny you are........

ps: Halloween is NEXT month

Costumed cleaning and an indecent proposal

So as a few of you may know I have been having work-related issues for some time now. You know, three jobs, 15-hour-days, that old chestnut. I'm not sure why, I like being busy, I like doing different things, if I'm not at work I'll just sleep all day which sounds awesome but people tend to frown upon the hibernation behaviour. Anyway, more recently I have been looking for different work as I currently work seven days and the side effects of this have not been pretty.

So of course, I start on Gumtree. I sign up for an account, browse through a bunch of jobs I hate the thought of and call three of them. Then I email 47 others and am called relentlessly by the four that I had picked accidently by double-clicking the wrong tab while xtube was up. Multi-tasking is a bitch.
I decide to put up my own advertisement about being an awesome bar-manager but all I can see is all these 'cleaners wanted' and thinking for a moment about how much I actually do enjoy cleaning. The satisfaction I get from wiping down tables at work and rearranging the salt and pepper from left to right, the immense joy I get from vacuuming, washing and waxing a car so quickly the other car-wash users get suspicious and the calming effect of bleaching glassware until it looks new.

Maybe it's cos the mess of my real life will never be cleaned up but bi-carb soda will solve every other problem known to man. I don't want to look too far into it, anyway I thought I'd harness this skill, and get paid for it, so I put up an ad. Not two hours later I received a response. Not what I'd hoped but at least it's gaining some attention. I will keep this note updated regarding my career in cleaning but for now, here's the correspondence:

(Gumtree advertisement)

My name is Rhiannon and I work full-time as a bar/hotel manager and have just realised my penchant for cleanliness-along with my desire to make a little extra money! I have had many years experience cleaning hotels and bars (and my own house of course) and I can ensure a quick, affordable and honest service.

  • Dishes
  • Washing and Ironing
  • Floors
  • Gardening
  • Cleaning
  • Maintenence and repair
  • Errands
  • Pet-grooming
  • If you can mess it up, I can clean it!

There is no job too big or too small, and, because of my casual work arrangements, timing is not an issue either, whether you work 9-5pm or evening shift work, or even just have a cleaning emergency I can work around you. I provide all my own equipment and wont even name a price until we've negotiated our terms together. No hassle, no fuss, and you can use your time to do the things you actually enjoy doing!

Just reply to my email ( ) or call 0406697419 for references and police check.


Lame I know, but I did get some genuine replies, this gem in my Gmail inbox being my favourite:

Roger Yahnowouris to me Sep 23 (1 day ago)

can you do cleaning in costume ?
And my response after some consideration:

Dear Mr Yahnowouris,

Someone's excited about Halloween! And to be honest Roger, can I call you Roger? So am I!
Of course I can do cleaning in costume. Unfortunately this does come at an extra cost but to get into the Halloween spirit it will be worth every cent.
I understand the need to really immerse yourself in the festivities at this time of year, so I've put together a few options for you to choose from at your leisure.

Option 1

This may make doing certain chores a little difficult such as hanging washing and doing dishes, I would be a little wary about putting the gun down as I may fall out of character or seem less 'realistic' and quite frankly that would just be embarrassing.

Option 2

Unfortunately I couldn't find the promotional shot I generally use for advertising but I'm sure you'll get the gist when you see how scary my brother looks wearing this Wolverine outfit! Don't be scared Wolverine's on our side, but germs look out when I am mopping floors in this bad ass costume!

Option 3

If perhaps you were looking for something more 'hip' and modern, then I think you'll like my lady Gaga inspired meat-dress, not to be confused with the picture I have provided of The Fame Monster herself, my replica has it's own individual style. With layers of minced meat and real Australian pork sausages this one-piece is definitely a stand-out outfit. Although it does make cleaning duties a little tricky and at times can do more harm then good if changing bed-sheets and wiping benches, it also provides all necessary meats for a great BBQ after the cleaning is done!

N.B. -Clients who have pets are not eligible to select this option due to OH&S hazards. Furthermore, without a tall, secure and closed-off front fence, no gardening duties can be performed as rabid dogs and Lady Gaga critics alike may compromise my safety.

I have plenty more options available for selection as we get closer to Halloween! The average costing for costumed-cleaning are the base price of $25 an hour + $35 an hour(costume charge) + $350 deposit = $410 + 10% GST. Because I am someone who advertises to clean houses on Gumtree, I am unable to do simple math, so if you can look at the figures and add it up, I'm sure you'll see it's a very reasonable price for the service provided.

Thank you for your swift response to my ad and please let me know if you have any further queries,




I've always felt having a blog instantly makes you a wanker or socially inept. Seeing as I am clearly both I'm going to take the advice of Bella DuBois (Yum!) and create a blog.

3 reasons I should have a blog.

  • I hope to some day use it as a travel log. Or for my memoirs once I am ridiculously famous for something inane, and hold no memory of my humble past due to several drug overdose incidents where I suffered from 'exhaustion'.
  • Perhaps I could keep my narcissism to myself. Those who want to expose themselves to my delusions of grandeur (often referred to as 'enablers') may read at their leisure, those that don't can skim over and pretend I don't exist.
  • Seeing as I'm no longer a teenager and will never be an artist, my creative talents and wealth of angst are going to waste.
  • Counsellors later in life will be able to give me a better level of care due to the records kept by Facebook and this blog giving me a better level of service and care.
Well, let's see how this goes!